What I feel, when I feel my love.
I went from knowing and believing in only what I could see and evidence, to remembering the reality of the universe and my place within it in one explosive moment. I looked into a man's eyes and suddenly knew, I knew him more deeply and more profoundly than I’d ever known anyone. I knew I loved him with all of my heart even though at that point I barely knew him. I knew I’d been searching for him for what felt like lifetimes. Eons. It was a feeling of complete relief and amazement.
With that initial cataclysmic feeling, magic entered my world. A few weeks later I sat on my sofa with him and saw his face change every time I looked at him. He was literally a different person each time my eyes fell on him, I couldn’t see what he really looked like at all. He had the same experience with me and with his awareness deduced we were seeing the past incarnations of ourselves.
One night I experienced what felt like a merge. In a weird trance like dream state (despite being entirely sober and mostly awake) I became a flame and engaged in a sexual ‘dance’ with his flame. That experience came with a deep knowing. It told me we were equal - equally powerful and equally strong - which came as a shock because at the time I felt like the most ordinary person in the world next to him - he felt like Jesus. I knew, with a certainty and a trust, that we were connected; we'd known each other before this lifetime and we were destined to be together in this one.
Over a number of days that followed I had visions of our future together, as clear as a movie playing out in my head, which took me right up until my son was a middle aged man. This man and the feelings I was experiencing embodied everything I had read about and considered fantasy and story. It blew up my whole world as I struggled to come to terms with the fact that everything I thought I knew was wrong. I knew I had so much to learn.
As far as feeling goes, from that point on it felt like there was no separation between us in my mind. He was, and still is, constantly on it, in every pause, when I wake and as I go to sleep. His name is always on my lips. I am always aware of him. It took months to find myself again alongside him in my mind and although it’s less intense now it still feels the same. I have learned to balance myself within it, but he is always with me. I have learned how to use my feelings for him to fuel my healing and to use what he shows me to see more of myself. I feel him constantly. Or I think I do. I don’t think any of us can do more than speculate about what any of this means and how much of it is real. I've learned to take it all lightly. I trust that a wiser part of me knows what's going on and that at some point the conscious part of me will too.
I know that on the surface my experience of our connection is very different to his. Since meeting him I have never had any doubt that he is who I want to share my life with. He is the man I’ve been searching for my whole life and he is everything I want in a partner. The deep love was there from the beginning but over the time I’ve known him I’ve also fallen in love with who he is right now, in this lifetime. I love all of him. The light fuelled, loving, delightful parts of him, the joker and mischief maker, and the darker side that he keeps hidden. I love him for who he is right now and I can’t imagine feeling differently. I can't imagine any other being who is as interesting or as compelling as I find him. If you’d told me I’d feel this way before I met him, I couldn’t have imagined feeling like this. I didn’t believe in everlasting love. Now I am confident of myself and my feelings and I have faith in a love I didn’t believe was possible.
When I am near him everything I feel is amplified. I know when he moves and often have the urge to get up and get a coffee, or go to bathroom, at the same time as he does. I am hyper aware of him and where he is and when I am physically close to him I feel like I’m home. The pull is magnetic. I’d find myself almost on top of him during a brief chat. It’s like his body pulls me in and I lose a sense of what normal, respectful body space is like. I’ve never felt anything like it with anyone else I’ve met.
I don't know how he feels about me other than that at this point he doesn't want what I want. How he feels about me and what he feels for me has no bearing on how I feel. He has very briefly been my lover, he's been my friend, he's been my teacher, he's been my adversary and he's been, indirectly and directly, the protagonist for my pain. He has his reasons for not wanting to engage with me, and though I don’t know what they are, I trust him to know himself. He is a wise and awakened divine masculine. I’m certain his truth and his reasoning are right for him. I know my truth and that’s all I can know. Regardless where our relationship stands the feelings I have for him remain.
How he’s behaved towards me and how I’ve perceived he feels about me over the last five years has been instrumental in my healing. I could not have come to the awareness I have, I couldn’t have healed from all the pain I’ve experienced in this lifetime, without the time and the feelings that he has brought up to the surface. He has shown me my shadow, and I couldn’t have done it without him. My expanded consciousness, my ability to heal and to teach is thanks to the way we have each felt towards and about each other since we connected. It really is perfect. And though I wouldn’t have chosen it, if I had the choice I wouldn’t go back and change a thing. I am enormously grateful.
I love him unconditionally and finally understand what that means. The love I feel for him has remained steady and unwavering. I’ve felt lots of other things because of him: anger, frustration, sadness and fear. I’ve felt abandoned. I’ve felt ugly. I’ve felt undesirable. I’ve felt unlovable. But I understand that what he has shown me is very simply a reflection of myself. Those feelings are all mine and have nothing to do with what he does or doesn't do and what he does or doesn't feel. I don't attribute any of those feelings to him. I've used what he's shown me about myself, the parts of me in shadow, my pain, and the love I feel for him, to transform myself. The love I feel for him has grown stronger rather than weaker over all of the trials of the last five years. I feel his true self. I’ve felt his love even as he was delivering another blow to my ego or forcing me to question my faith and my knowing. I've felt the words afterwards and processed what they meant for me. But in those moments all I felt was love.
I had a moment, during the very brief time we spent together as lovers, where as I watched him sleep, I knew with certainty I would do whatever it took to keep him safe and make him happy. Aside from my children I have never had that feeling before in my lifetime. It’s all I want. I’ve since understood that the only way I’ll have any chance of having that is to learn to make myself happy first; to love myself as deeply as I knew I did him in that moment. So that’s what I’ve worked at. I’ve dedicated myself to getting to a place where I am capable of embracing this great love. So I can feel it fully without losing myself in the process. So I can see it clearly without allowing all the fear and the doubt to get in the way. I am so grateful to have glimpsed it with all its possibilities. It’s literally all there is. I’ve found my passion. My own personal Jesus. And it’s perfect.
❤️
Is he my twin flame? Who knows? Who knows what's real and what's fantasy? All we can know for certain, is who we are and how we feel. Work on that.
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