As we went our separate ways the magical man gave me a parting gift, a gift of truth and a direction to walk. He told me that all the difficult experiences I'd had up until that point, all the pain, the heartbreak and the trauma, were held within me. He told me that whether I could perceive it or not, I was carrying around a darkness. And the only way to leave that darkness behind, is to go through it. The only way to heal all that pain and heartbreak and trauma, is to feel it.
“Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.” ~Vironika Tugaleva
Clearing the heart
All our pain and trauma, our disappointment, our shame, our grief, our anger, is stored in the body(s) (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual). Our body(s) hold all our memories whether the conscious mind remembers them, or not.
Very few of us are taught how to effectively manage our emotions and feel our feelings. If anything we are taught the opposite, we are told to stop crying, calm down, be quiet, stop shouting. From a very young age we learn how to suppress, to bury, to push aside and to squash our very justifiable feelings of anger, sadness and fear. Our very survival depends on it. We have to fit in and be taken care of and to do that we have to be accepted.
And so begins our journey of avoiding our feelings.
In any healing journey we have to accept what is; be where we are, before we can move on into something new.
We have to acknowledge, and allow, all the pain and sadness we've experienced over our lifetime, in order to make space for something new to enter.
We can't experience anything different if we're, subconsciously or consciously, expecting the same. Till we've healed, all every new experience is doing, is triggering the deep well of difficult feelings that sits below our surface.
“It takes enormous trust and courage to allow yourself to remember.”
My heart's journey
The Girl Who Discovered Her Own Magic
Once upon a time, there existed a land consumed by the relentless flames of a harrowing war that spanned years. Inhabitants of this land perpetually dwelled in a state of fear, where the occurrence of dreadful events had become so commonplace, that it was considered normal. As a consequence of this war, and the impossibly difficult times they were forced to endure, it was decided that feelings should be banished, and all emotions hidden. The people of this land should adopt an attitude of calm, and should carry on, despite any pain they might be feeling. By keeping calm and carrying on, they would be able to keep on doing the work of living, and the businesses of the land would survive. After all, the wealth of the land is what’s most important, not the wellbeing of the people living there.
In this land there was a kingdom, and in this kingdom, there lived a little girl. By the time this little girl was born, almost thirty years after that terrible war had ended, feelings had been totally forgotten. By then, the suppression of feelings was so normal no one even remembered what they were, let alone how to talk about them.
Now, because this little girl’s earnest desire was to make everyone around her happy, she quickly learned to emulate her parents and kept everything that she felt, firmly tucked away in her head. Being extremely eager to please, she worked so hard at this, that soon she didn’t have any connection between what she did and what happened to her, and how things felt. She learned to passively do what people wanted and expected of her and had learned that doing this meant they were happy, and not disappointed or cross with her. She hated people being cross with her more than anything else in the world. Because of this, she never had a chance to learn about what made her happy. She didn't wonder about how things felt, so she didn’t even know what she might want for herself, or that she even had a choice in any matter. She flowed with life. Life happened to her.
Because of how she had been brought up, in this kingdom draped in the silence of heavy unspoken emotions, four pivotal events unfolded before she reached the age of seventeen. Events that would significantly shape her path into adulthood.
The first ripple in her tale occurred when her Nanny, a kindred spirit of few words but a gentle manner, departed from the mortal realm. The little girl was devasted by the loss, and not just because she missed the brown paper bags of chocolates her Nanny would bring when she arrived to stay every weekend. By this time she had siblings; a sister, and a baby brother, and any attention she had once had from her parents, was now long past. She was a good girl, she did what she was told and what was of expected of her, so mostly she went unnoticed. But Nanny noticed her, and though she didn't say much, she held her hand when they were out and about, and she regularly invited her to sit next to her, by patting her knee as she smoothed down her nylon dress.
Unsurprisingly, given the nature of their land, when Nanny died few words were said. The little girl was left alone to manage her loss and without support, the inside of her head got far darker. Fears of death swirled constantly and with every separation, even just a trip to the supermarket five minutes away, she would imagine a horrific untimely demise was about to befall her parents. It was at this point that magic first made an appearance in her life. Amidst the turmoil of her anxious mind, her Fairy Godmother made an appearance, and the girl found a reprieve from the pain and an unexpected guide, in the form of Nanny's ghost. Nanny's spectral figure appeared in her bedroom doorway one night and offered her some comforting words and the assurance that everything would be alright. For a while, at least, peace was restored in the little girl’s world.
Roll on a few years and this little girl is growing into a pretty teenager. She is ever so shy, and as we've already learned, completely inept at handling her emotions. How will she fare when love first blossoms in her heart?
Meet Gregg, the Charming Prince, replete in a Guns N' Roses t-shirt, his shaggy hair hiding gently intelligent eyes. The girl, by then a timid violinist under the guidance of an inspiring teacher, reluctantly joined the orchestra at the encouragement of her parents and her mentor. Battling shyness and self-doubt, she pushed herself to participate, eager to please despite her inner fears. And this is where she finds him, the Charming Prince plays the drums.
During the summer tour to France, fate placed her beside Gregg on the coach, and a few days later, their lips met for a magical first kiss. However, reality set in when the next day they returned home, and she found herself on a different coach than Gregg. In a bold move, she entrusted a friend on his coach with her number, hoping for a fairy tale romance. Yet the summer proved to be a heart-wrenching wait as Gregg's call never came.
When they returned to practice in the autumn the girl's shy demeanour prevented her from asking him why he hadn't called, and she just assumed Gregg hadn't reciprocated her feelings. Resigned, she spent each practice in silent longing, stealing furtive glances in his direction, and wishing things were different.
A year later, the tides turned, and her dreams came true as they rekindled their friendship and their relationship finally blossomed into a romance. Her heart soared with joy, only to be shattered after five short months when Gregg left her for another girl, leaving her heartbroken and disillusioned. The once promising fairy tale romance had crumbled and she had no idea how to handle it, but since she lived in a land where feelings were forbidden, she buried her pain beneath a forced smile, and hid the fact that she'd lost all faith in a happily ever after.
The girl sought refuge in a friendship, finding warmth, companionship, and joy. She discovered a lightness of heart in evenings spent listening to music and talking about boys. Yet, like the changing winds, the bonds fractured when a decision about their shared future loomed and her friend chose popularity over loyalty, and severed their relationship. The pain of losing this connection etched another chapter of heartache into her story.
And here comes the big one: the questionable choice, made in rash moment, that would seal her fate and set the tone for the next twenty years.
Enter the Big Bad Wolf, disguised as a seemingly respectable well spoken suitor, who emerges from the shadows in a red Toyota Corolla, complete with a bottle of champagne intentionally stashed in the back footwell. This story isn’t one she is ready to fully share, but the consequences of it were clear to those who knew her. This encounter marked the loss of her innocence and trust. The Wolf's criminal act stole from her, taking her self-respect, her faith in people, and the remnants of her childhood.
After that pivotal moment, life unfolded in a disheartening echo of past events. The departure of more cherished individuals compounded the lingering sense of emptiness. True to form, her focus remained steadfastly on the wants and needs of others, always at the expense of her own. She dedicated herself tirelessly to ensuring the comfort and happiness of those around her, and failed to notice that she never received the same attention back.
To shield herself from vulnerability, she buried her feelings deep within and adopted a mantle of fierce independence. Years of navigating the transient nature of relationships had taught her not to grow attached, prompting her to conceal her desires and needs so adeptly that she could sidestep the complexities of emotions altogether. This self-imposed emotional detachment became her modus operandi, allowing her to face each day with a pragmatic resolve, unburdened by the weight of feelings, both good and bad.
Intermittent rays of joy pierced through the pervasive gloom as she explored the world through travel, welcomed two beautiful children into her life, and settled in a charming house in a seaside town. However, the inability to process her emotions left the pain of her formative years festering beneath the surface, a heavy burden she carried without reprieve.
Despite external markers of contentment, the absence of an emotional outlet led to a silent imprisonment. Trapped by the weight of unaddressed emotions, she harboured a resentment, undefined and unspoken. Anger and hurt were such familiar companions that she failed to notice their presence.
Then, at the age of thirty-six, another magical moment unfolded. A brave soul dared to push her to properly answer the question she had evaded for a lifetime when he asked, "How do you feel?", and refused to accept her usual answer of "fine". In the vulnerability of that moment, the girl was forced to confront the emotions she had silenced for so many years. In that moment a part of her awoke, her inner Knight in Shining Armour was roused from sleep to bravely lead her through her emotional terrain to the truth of how she felt. She would ignore her own feelings no longer.
And with that, her journey toward a true happily ever after commenced. With dedicated self-work and a commitment to understanding her feelings, she learned to decipher her desires and speak them into existence. The magic within her awakened, and she began to tentatively explore how to generate the joy she had given away to others.
In this newfound understanding, the once emotionally silent girl, transformed into a woman who stood tall, guided by the compass of her own happiness. The Universe, once distant and indifferent, now conspired in her favour. Magic rekindled in her world and she began to learn the language of self-love and fulfilment.
Walls that stood tall for years began to crumble, revealing a garden within that bloomed with authenticity. She learned the art of saying no and yes, and began to shape her world into one which she wanted and which made her happy.
The woman who had spent a lifetime pleasing others, found delight in pleasing herself. The Universe, recognising her newfound strength, showered blessings upon her. In this transformation, the little girl who once flowed with life's current, became a woman who had begun to orchestrate her own destiny.
The journey was not without challenges, but each trial became a stepping stone towards her happily ever after. She became her own saviour, rescuing herself from the shadows that once threatened to engulf her.
The echoes of her laughter, once muted, now rang through the air as she danced in her kitchen beneath the starry skies of her own creation.
In this fairy tale of self-discovery, the little girl found not just a happy ending, but a beginning. A beginning of a life crafted with the magic of her own love, and the promise of a happily ever after that she would write for herself.
The Beginning
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Continued in Chapter 4 (coming soon, check back another day)
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Go back and read Chapter 1
Go back and read Chapter 2