'I went from knowing and believing in only what I could see and evidence, to remembering the reality of the universe and my place within it in one explosive moment. I looked into a man's eyes and suddenly knew I knew him more deeply and more profoundly than I’d ever known anyone. I knew I loved him with all of my heart even though at that point I barely knew him. I knew I’d been searching for him for what felt like lifetimes. Eons. It was a feeling of complete relief and amazement...' Read on
So, I'd made a commitment to myself.
I'd set an intention.
I'd decided to choose me.
To dedicate my time and energy to me.
And to fall in love with me.
And yet all of a sudden I'm faced with this wonder of a man, with this wonder of a feeling, with this potential for something amazing. How do I say no to this? How do I walk away from this?
With some struggle is the honest answer. Every time I thought I'd succeeded in letting go and given myself all my time and attention back, I'd feel drawn, like a moth to a flame, back towards this promise that he'd inspired in me.
Thankfully, though it wasn't always obvious at the time that this was something I should be grateful for, The Universe knew better than I, what was good for me. And every time I got close to losing myself again, this time not to a relationship but to an idea of what I thought this connection was, an intervention would occur and I'd remember, often brutally and with a fair amount of accompanying sobbing, that this was time I'd promised to myself. And I'd get back on the horse and start plodding off along the path I'd so determinedly chosen in November 2017:
I will learn to love myself.
Fortunately, despite the struggles, I now had support on the journey. When this man entered my life, magic entered too and with that magic came some otherwise unknown and undiscovered gifts.
And it was through those gifts that I wound up finding a name for what I was going through. It appeared I wasn't the only one to have been magically awakened through a connection that felt crazy and fated. It was then that I found a sense of community and some instruction; a map of sorts to guide me along the way.
The Twin Flame Journey
Now if, like me 6 years ago, you have never heard of such a thing and if, also like me, it all sounds like fantastical hogwash, you are welcome to read my interpretation and understanding of it, now I've had the experiences that I've had, here.
But don't feel you need to. This journey is essentially the same as every journey of awakening and every expansion of consciousness, as described in every religious or spiritual text and by every spiritual teacher across the world. This is the bit of the journey where Spirit comes to the fore to be explored, uncovered and understood. This is where the font of inner wisdom, which we all have within us just waiting to be tapped, becomes known, and this is where I began to learn how to engage with it.
Walking with magic by your side
The magical man, gave me a magical book, and it was this book that introduced me to a perception of reality I had long forgotten.
The book contains 365 lessons, one for every day of the year.
And from the moment I read this first lesson weird things started to happen. What was written in the words seemed to reflect what happened to me during the day. With every day that passed, the world got brighter and more fantastical. By day 32: Ubiquity, after having experienced the exact and perfect experience on each day, that allowed me to fully interpret and understand that day's lesson, and after being launched unconsciously into a water fast (beginning on day 2: 'purification starts all practice') lasting 5 crazy days which were brimming with impossible to explain moments and perspective altering 'coincidences', I was invested and dedicated to a new way of being. I had made a decision.
I had started to learn how to tap into Tao with a commitment to daily self-cultivation as my driver. I'd sharpened senses I didn't know I had and I had learned that the world I thought I knew, was far richer and far more amazing than any magical movie I'd watched or any imaginatively constructed fantasy book I'd read. I'd left Kansas and was on firm ground over the (double) rainbow.
I would learn to connect to my inner self.
I would commit myself to a spiritual practice.
I will make something of myself.
I will transform myself into an instrument to experience the deepest spiritual essence of life.
I'd witnessed the auspicious signs.
I had refined my purpose and found new meaning.
I began again.
New Year's Day, 2018
#Beginning : ‘In the beginning all things are hopeful. We prepare ourselves to start anew.’
I snuck out of the house before it grew light this morning with the aim of catching the first sunrise of the new year. Since I wasn’t at home (in Exmouth, Devon) and able to visit the beach I decided instead to go to a local landmark, the Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol.
There was no drama in the sunrise, it was very dark when I left and as I walked it grew gently lighter, so there was no clear moment I could capture to symbolise the beginning of this journey. However, I do think the bridge was still a good place to start. There’s poignancy in beginning in a place where many have chosen to end their lives (for those unaware it is well known as a suicide bridge).
Thinking of those that chose to give up on this life clarified for me what this journey means for me and why I’ve decided to embark on it. I believe we should embrace this life and strive to get as much as we can out if it. Be curious, learn, push yourself to grow and transform. Decide to live a life of meaning and purpose #onemomentatatime
Time to start learning.
The first step in embodying this new way of being I had embarked upon, was to learn to connect with my inner wisdom. There is a quiet voice that is within all of us that gently and patiently waits for us to tap into it. It needs dedicated and deliberate time, and it requires us to get quiet enough within, to hear it.
It takes practice.
My Practices
For the mind:
Regular time alone in nature
Embracing the present moment
Gratitude
Mindfulness meditation
For the body:
Good Sleep
Good Food
Gentle Exercise
Rest
For the spirit:
Connecting to nature, without and within - the daily walk began an exploration into the unseen, I learned to walk and connect within so I could receive insights and teaching as I strolled (see a practice in detail below).
Connecting to the inner wisdom - I began intuitive eating in order to sharpen my intuition and tap into the wisdom of my body. I ate when I was hungry, stopped when I was full and learned how to ask my body what it wanted and needed to be healthy, well and energetic.
Connecting to Spirit - I bought a tarot deck and a 'how to' book and started to learn the meanings of the cards. I'd practice by asking Spirit 'what would it be helpful for me to know in the here and now?' and would witness and interpret the thoughts that arose when I looked at the cards.
Meditation Practice - I began learning how to get quiet enough in mind to allow my inner wisdom to speak. Daily focus on the breath and with the intent on a question I was trying to answer. I also started doing guided meditations and followed the directions of teachers to connect with whatever I was interested in in the moment.
For mind, body and spirit:
Yoga - I began a kundalini yoga practice and joined a class in a nearby village. Yoga aims to unite mind, body and spirit and individual consciousness with universal consciousness.
It was around this time that I had my first conversation with a tree.
A Chat with a Tree
One, cold and wet, blustery day, I decided to take my daily walk onto Dartmoor and to a place I'd been told was full of magic and mystery: Wistman's Wood. After a fairly torturous, emotional walk across the moor, fighting the wind and feeling the biting cold through my rather thin hoodie and old cagoule, I came to the crop of ancient trees known as Wistman's Wood.
Now a while before the magical man had told me you can talk to the trees and, since I trusted in him and his wisdom, I believed I probably could and decided to give it a go.
I picked one that looked wise (to be fair they all do) and clambered over the mossy rocks to stand within reaching distance. I was just about to reach out and take hold of the closest branch (I knew hugging trees was a thing so figured if I wanted to get one to talk to me I ought to be at least touching it), when a voice in my head that didn't sound like mine said firmly, "Stop. Look closely."
Slightly taken aback by the voice, and feeling a little admonished, I pulled my hand back and looked. What I saw, was that adorning the branch was an extraordinarily fine feathering of lichen. When I looked I saw it covered the whole of the tree.
All of a sudden a whoosh of understanding popped into my brain. From the lichen, to the tree, to the air around the tree, to the birds flying above, to the rock I was standing on, to the moors behind me and beyond, to me standing here in this place, I could feel the connection of everything to each other, we were all the same. Little strands of energy tying us all together like an enormous interconnected web with pulses of energy running through and between everything.
In that moment I knew:
All is one and one is all. Everything is connected. We are an indivisible unity.
And then I heard the voice again,
"Close your eyes."
I did as I was told and found myself flying down a black tunnel.
Eventually the tunnel ended and I was stood still.
I was stood right in front of a huge black eye that somehow I knew belonged to an enormous dragon.
The eye lazily opened.
And looked at me.
I shit myself and opened my eyes.
I was back in the woods.
I thanked The Tree for its wisdom and, feeling mildly stunned, and even more in awe of the magical man for his reliable advice, I went on my way.
Read more about Wistman's Wood in Wikipedia and on another fabulous blog, Tors & Lore.
“Talk to a tree, which is more deeply rooted in God than any cross because no cross has roots, it is a dead thing – that’s why it kills… a tree is alive, with roots deep into the earth, branches high into the sky, connected with the whole, with the rays of the sun, with the stars – talk to the trees!” ~ Osho
Read more about talking to trees from the wonderful Holly Worton, How to Talk to Trees: Communicating With Tree Spirits - Holly Worton .
Or better still just go and find a tree and give it a go!
“Trees are sanctuaries. Whoever knows how to speak to them, whoever knows how to listen to them, can learn the truth.”
~ Herman Hesse
Questions and Answers.
This was a time when I was bursting full of endless questions. I was desperate to learn everything I could about what I was experiencing, what there was to know, and how everything worked. It felt as if I were a child again and while some of it felt like a memory on one hand, on the other, nothing I thought I knew now made any sense. Now anyone who has dipped their toe into the sea of woo will know that there's lots of information out there, a million different rabbit holes you can dive down, so how do you learn without getting lost?
What I began to learn at this time was that I needed to develop discernment. I needed to have a way of knowing whether what I was reading and learning and hearing about was true or not. So how do you do that? How do you access that part of you that can tell truth from fiction?
The body knows. The body will tell you whatever you want to know by how it feels. We just have to tap into our body and trust in the wisdom.
If, like me, you have questions and want to know more about how to tap into the inner answers, I wrote about this here in The answer to every question.
A practice: Walking with the intention to connect with nature
The idea behind this is that we align to The Universe and allow ourselves to be led.
Nature speaks and if we listen it will show us the way.
It begins before you decide where to go.
Be open minded.
Begin with a question. Where should I go?
What pops into your head? First place that you think of (assuming it's within reason), go there.
This is an exercise in feeling and in trust.
When you get there (if you get there and you aren't mysteriously taken elsewhere - in which case go with it - it's an adventure!) start walking and take in as much of your surroundings as you can. What can you see? What comes to mind when you see what you can see?
Every time there is a decision ask yourself what you should do or where you should go and act on the first impulse.
This is your magical mystery tour.
Enjoy!
“We are all connected; to each other, biologically. To the earth, chemically. To the rest of the universe atomically. We are not figuratively, but literally stardust.” ~ Neil DeGrasse Tyson
I was in a world of enchantment. Magic is real. Bliss and love is available to us in every moment - all we have to do is tap into it. It was a time of ecstasy, bliss, love, joy and magic.
Truths I started to understand and learn to embody at this time.
If you need help ask The Universe for it. If you need a sign ask. Assistance is all around us. We are never alone.
We have everything we need. Everything is within. Everything that is important is being taken care of.
Align with the universe. Enjoy the ride. Trust the outcome will be what you need.
Nature speaks. All we have to do is listen.
My heart was starting to open and awaken.
But to fully open, first a heart has to clear.
The next chapter was a little less joyful but equally valued.
🐞
Continued in Chapter 3
To read more about the concept of 'twin flames' and that aspect of my transformation journey have a look at my Twin Flame Journey page.
